I can’t seem to get my grades up, so I’m probably going to either a). be forced to drop out of school or b). have to go back to the hell hole called chillicothe to finish my education.
I seem to be repulsive to women apparently. I don’t think I’m particularly ugly or anything… I feel like I’m pretty average. I mean I’m somewhat intelligent, I dress nicely, I have good hygiene… maybe I’m just socially awkward. I’ll just accept the fact that I’m a loner. Whatever.
Oh yeah! I’m still not on the snare line. Second year in a row I have been an alternate. Not good enough to be in the 110 either. And that really hurts, because that snare line was my fucking dream all through high school, and I have worked my ass off for this band for years. Guess who’s probably going to get kicked out of band by a freshman next year? THIS GUY. Why? HE AIN’T GOOD ENOUGH.
Oh and apparently I’m a complete failure at being an Air Force Cadet too. Ya know. From the shiny Form 16 reprimand I got today. Apparently I never give my 100% during PT. I’m always the first to give up. Always the one who falls out of the planks. I’m never good enough. EVER. Apparently every Cadré member sees how much I “don’t care” about physical training. I guess being sore as fuck and barely able to function after PT isn’t good enough. The fuck am I supposed to do?? Make my god damn body fall apart?? Fucking christ, the things that were pointed out were silly things… one day we did 70 push ups and went immediately into planks. Yeah, I admit, i fucking collapsed about 1:30 in. But after 70 fucking pushups, who the hell wouldn’t? God damnit. My own fucking flight commander told me I was doing great at PT. “You never give up, and seem to be putting my all into the work outs.” WHERE’S THE FUCKING DISCONNECT HERE??? WHAT AM I MISSING??? I don’t get it.
I’m going to go do push ups and sit ups until i die now just to feel better about myself. Maybe I really I’m not good enough. I mean, it’s where I have been all my life. “You aren’t black enough Brady!” “Brady you aren’t white enough! Stop acting all hood or you’ll never get ahead!” “Brady you aren’t cool enough to hang out with us!” I mean fuck. It’s all I hear. Ever.
I’m fucking trying my hardest to please all you fuckers. GIVE ME A BREAK.